Do not grow cannabis plants! Step-by-step guide to what you shouldn’t do!

In most jurisdictions in the world, growing cannabis is illegal, and must not be attempted as cannabis is a terrible, addictive (??!! WTF??!) drug, and because its cultivation is a CRIME that can lead to fines or even imprisonment (one of the very few provable bad effects of cannabis).

OMG dat drugs gonna kill your kiddies!

OMG dat drugs gonna kill your kiddies!

So, how does one go about avoiding the cultivation of cannabis? I’d say step 1 is to make sure you don’t get any seeds in the first place. You found seeds in a baggie of dope that (cough) someone (cough) bought from somewhere. Don’t cultivate those seeds. And, if you were an evil crook who wanted to grow some dope, seeds found in a baggie would be best dumped anyway as you wouldn’t know their provenance.

Anyway, where should you avoid buying cannabis seeds? The London Seed Centre is a site best avoided, as they sell a wide range of viable, feminized seeds that would be only too easily germinated. Other evil dope-growers’ sites include: the Attitude Seed Bank, and Big Buddha Seeds. Avoid such sites like the plague. Don’t buy anything from them, even those funky “Legalize Marijuana!” buttons.

This might be a good time to bring up the thorny issue of legal jurisdiction. For instance, in the UK it’s legal to buy, sell and own cannabis seeds, so long as you don’t have any plans to plant them. So in the UK it’s okay to buy seeds so long as you don’t do any silly germination stuff (but remember: the NSA knows everything you do online, probably before you even think about it – so don’t plant the damn things, damn you!! In other countries the law may be different, mere possession of seeds may be illegal, so check out your local laws before you do anything stooo-pid!

There’s a nice site out there called They sorta approach the whole thing from the point of view of an insane criminal who actually wants go become a wild-eyed, sex-crazed dope addict. But the site’s pretty simple to understand.

Basically, if you fail to avoid obtaining seeds, do not attempt to germinate them. Evil dope-growing criminals use 2 methods of germination – they can put the seeds in a glass of water, or they can put the seeds between 2 wet sheets of kitchen or toilet paper. If they use the wet paper version, they take care to not allow the paper to dry out. If this evil act of germination succeeds, the criminal will notice the seed has shot out a little root-growth. Then they will put the seed, root downwards, in a pot of compost or other growing medium. The seed will continue to develop, a little baby plant will emerge, the criminal will look after it (watering, feeding with certain fertilizers – there are lots of sites out there that recommend plant food to these criminals; as the plant gets bigger and its roots start to get too big, the crook will repot to larger containers; eventually they will switch to a “flowering” stage (these flowers or “buds” are what the addict craves – check out or other such fiendish sites for details of how they do it – and therefore what you should avoid doing!) and finally, if you have failed to be a good law-abiding citizen, you’ll be left with a load of evil, addictive, deadly, immoral marijuana!

Time has meant I haven’t been able to spell out each step to avoid. But there are plenty of sites on the web that go into shocking detail how the evil ones produce their foul weed! So, all I can say is:remember: drugs are bad, m’kay! So Just Say Now! Um, I meant “No”… shee-it, this is difficult…

PS: in the UK, if the police bust your gaff and find a few plants in a closet or something, it’s very unlikely they’ll do you for it. They’ll probably confiscate the plants (and smoke ’em when they come off duty, those immoral pigs!) and give you a caution. Not that that’s an excuse to involve yourself in this sordid world. Just a heads-up, yeah?

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4 Responses to Do not grow cannabis plants! Step-by-step guide to what you shouldn’t do!

  1. This is brilliant.

  2. Celeste says:

    It’s really a nice and useful piece of info. I am glad that you shared this useful info with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  3. dean says:

    Haha funny funny funny

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